Power, Not Force: What I Learned When I Finally Started Setting Boundaries

About two years ago, I left my full-time job and became self-employed. I also promised myself it would be the last time I was ever unemployed. Around then, I wrote down a list of the things I was working towards. There were about twenty of them.

Today I was tidying my desk as part of my fresh start, and I noticed that some of the things on my wall don't really fit me anymore.

One of them is a phrase I put up about two and a half years ago: I solve problems. I deliver value.

When I first wrote it, it was a "fake it till you make it" mentality. At the time I felt like a nobody. I didn't think I knew anything, so how could I solve anything? So I told myself: okay, I can solve this. I can do this. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it. And I did. I moved from one role to another. I went into sales, and now I'm doing marketing, because I saw a gap in the business. We spent six months waiting for the right time, or waiting until we had enough money to hire the right people. Neither of those happened.

The Desperation Cycle

Here's the cycle I kept getting stuck in. When there isn't enough sales activity, you can't filter your customers.

Think about it. A month has thirty days, but you really get about twenty-one working days, and that's if you're lucky and there's no public holiday or school holiday. Even then, each working day is maybe four to six hours, because you've got kids and school runs. And every month the same commitments come around, and you feel that pressure.

So you end up running your business in desperation mode. You aren't bringing in enough leads to choose the customers you actually want to work with.

That matters to me because I believe in win-win relationships. A good business is one where both sides feel they're gaining something and they enjoy working together. It isn't "I'm paying you, so you do whatever I say."

The Breakdown

A few months ago, during my forced holiday, I had a breakdown.

That's when I realised how unhappy I was. I felt like I had no choice. I'm not going back to a job, and this business is what I have. So I asked myself: what if I didn't have to do it this way? What would I do instead?

My answer was that I'd still be in business, but I'd want to enjoy it. And I believe it's possible to enjoy running a business. Part of how you get there is by setting boundaries.

Why Boundaries Are So Scary

Setting boundaries is really scary. You've got bills to pay, and not just your own. If people work for you, their livelihoods depend on you too.

Then there are customers. They have the money, so it feels like they have the power. But then I thought: I've got something they want. Why can't they work on my terms?

That changed my goal. I want to be so good at what I do that people are happy to do business on my terms.

Look at the best doctors and the best experts. They don't work around a client's schedule. If a specialist has a two-week waiting list, it doesn't matter if you're a billionaire. You wait two weeks, and that's just how it is.

That was what I realised during my breakdown. Right before it, I wanted to quit everything, run away and live a simple life, because this life felt too hard. It wasn't what I'd signed up for.

What Changed

What changed was my mindset. You have to truly believe you have what it takes and that you're good at what you do. You're the person who really knows their stuff. From there, you can draw boundaries.

For me, that started with my calendar. I'm not available for calls at certain times. I'm open at set times every day, and if tomorrow's slot doesn't work, the same time the next day will. There's still flexibility, but it happens inside the boundaries.

My schedule used to be chaos. One person wanted a call early in the morning, another at 7pm. Once I took a call at 3pm, right after picking my son up from school, so he was in the car with me during the call. Nobody enjoyed that. I was stressed, and I snapped at him when he tried to tell me something.

Sixteen Out of Twenty

So here's my point. When I went back through my list today, I saw that I've achieved sixteen of the twenty things on it. I believe I can get three more done this month.

What are the 4 things? 3 of them I'm working towards now is running a business I enjoy, various versions of it. The final thing is the business able to throw off enough money for my investment pot because right now its enough to pay for my lifestyle only.

When your work comes from enjoyment, it comes from power, not force. Things that come from power grow and flourish better. A flower doesn't bloom because someone forces it open. It blooms because of the strength of the plant it grows on.

Anything done by force isn't beautiful. When things come from power, they're peaceful. Both sides win, and it isn't a zero-sum game.

That's when one plus one equals eleven.